Monday, April 25, 2011

A Very Unmerry Unbirthday: Is My Breast Cancer a Tea Party Republican?

Alice in Wonderland --Disney 1951
Dear Cancer,
As any worry-prone, slightly masochistic person would do, I have been reading up on the possible reasons I got this monstrous "melon plague."
In every site, pretty much across the board, I see the top two contributing factors as use of birth control and not having had children by the age of 30.
Really, cancer?!
All along I've been worried that my other illnesses, my many prescription medications, or my excessive Diet Coke drinking could have brought this on.  Or maybe just some out-of-my-control gene mutation.  But, no.
Apparently, the girls from "Teen Mom" have a better shot at not getting breast cancer than I do, as they have done "what they were supposed to" with their lady-parts.
As the great Samantha said to an oncology doctor on Sex and the City: "Like it’s my fault! I shouldn't be punished for not having kids. I should be rewarded! Since when did kids become the Get Out of Cancer Free card?"
Apparently, you (cancer), along with conservative republicans, push a marriage and family incentive: get married and have a baby...OR GET CANCER...duh duh DUHHHH!
I guess you crazy cancer cells care more about the fact that I waited to find a suitable mate (and anyone who knows me will know that not only is Ben perfect for me but the only suitable mate I've ever had by a long shot), preferring the traditional pairing of two irresponsible teenagers who will be divorced within three months.
Hey, George W. Cancer, remember that time divorce was also looked down on in Christianity?  Oh, I guess I'm the only one.  Next time around (after I get back from hell for my lack of baby-making and foolish contraceptive use) I'll make sure to find a Nascar-loving d-bag and get knocked up in the back of a Volkswagen after 8th grade English.  
Alright, I'm off to drink tea and eat my leafy greens so I can avoid getting you back since it's too late to do that with a baby.

F-U Sincerely,


  1. It is funny...and sooooooooooooo very true!!!!!!
    xxoo...your father