Wednesday, June 15, 2011

"The army wants ME?!" My email reply to the US army...


Dear "Army,"
I received your kind recruitment email and I'm extremely flattered. I must say, you DO have a lot to offer. $20,000 PLUS a paycheck every month?! That's crazy talk! And those perks sound great--I mean, shopping discounts? You really know how to entice a girl! I was also impressed by the full range medical and dental coverage offered

I think I have to be honest with you, though. 

With me as one of your "active duty officers," get ready to pay through the NOSE on that medical. I'll need an asthma specialist and physical therapy for my patella subluxation syndrome. Oh yeah, and some therapy. I'll definitely need some of that. Also, I can't serve in any place with bright sun, because bright sun causes these super extreme migraines. That's okay, right? 

Hmmm...let's see, what else? 

I can't really be in "stressful" situations because I have this ulcer and they say stress caused it. Oh, and is it possible to be stationed someplace without any moist air OR dry air? And without any pollen? Because my allergies could REALLY be awkward in a battle-type situation. Sneezing isn't exactly "stealth," is it? Also, it's been said that I may not be the most graceful person. I tend to trip a lot, break things (weapons probably wouldn't be an exception), spill get the idea.

Well, I think that's it.

Oh, wait! Also, I have this sort of tourettes hearing, and I tend to hear things really wrong. So, if someone says "fire," I could POSSIBLY think they're saying something completely different, like "Clint Eastwood is sexy." At that point, I would probably turn and say "What are you TALKING about; he's all leathery!" And then we'd be dead. 
So, this is all just FYI. I wish I could tell you I was joking about any of this but I'm actually not. I might be one of the most ridiculous people ever. Think less USO-show Bob Hope and more 'Hot Lips Barton" Bob Hope. 

You still want me? 



  1. ...and this was BEFORE the whole cancer thing...

  2. I don't know, I'd be hard pressed to come up with a more entertaining USO lineup than "Kate and her Marvelous Awkwardness".