|copyright NBC Seinfeld 1989|
I must start by apologizing that it has been so long since my last blog post. You see, along with being very tired, I managed to forget that I had cancer. Strangely enough, it's very easy to do if you imagine that you're getting some kind of spa laser treatment whenever you go in for radiation. I admit I'm a bit reluctant to even start again, as forcibly NOT remembering I have cancer is kind of a nice place to be, let me tell you.
Up until this past week, I have looked healthier than ever (and even this past weekend at a wedding I was able to work some magic with an under-eye concealer). However, now that I am starting to LOOK as tired as I feel, I can totally bust out the ultimate comeback: "I have CANCER, bittcheessss!"
Of course, I haven't been given the opportunity to launch said comeback because everyone's been super-nice to me. Much like George Costanza, I sit ready and waiting for my moment, fantasizing about my opportunity to make people feel guilty.
Scenario 1: "Sorry, officer, my CANCER necessitates me flipping illegal U's"
Every time I see a police car, I think they are going to pull me over. Even if I am hovering around the speed limit, I believe they will find a reason. In my comeback fantasy, the cop pulls me over and asks some condescending question like "And where are YOU going in such a hurry?" to which I can reply "Um, CANCER TREATMENT," and then even if they do write me a ticket they will feel like a total dick.
Scenario 2: "What's your secret?"
This one has totally come close to happening. When I've run into people who don't know my situation but know me and notice that I've lost weight. I get that look like "What the hell did YOU do to lose weight when it's so hard for everyone else?"
--"Um, get CANCER! It's totally the best diet plan! In fact, I think I'm going to put out a new dieting book called 'Being told you have cancer: the ultimate appetite killer!'"
Or I'll get the old: "You're so lucky you like exercising and all those health foods! I would be slimmer too if I liked kale!" Guess what? Kale ISN'T my favorite food. Pizza is. But they tell you you have to cut fat, eat greens and work out like Halle Berry to stave off cancer recurrance, so I do it. Like...to LIVE.
Scenario 3: "You're young and healthy--you wouldn't know"
This is by far the most annoying. People who assume that youth ALWAYS equals health. In this scenario, however, at least I can say "Actually, while I am young, I also have CANCER, bitcheeessss."
Now, when I go to the deep water aerobics class, those older ladies won't DARE shun me! When I tried the class before, I was shamed into quitting by dirty looks from women over 60 who looked at me like "Why do YOU need soothing water yoga? You're young--what do you have to be stressed about?"
--"Well, I have cancer AND I am currently going through faux-menopause thanks to the pills to get rid of my cancer. Will you let me in your class now, Edna? WILL YOU?!!! I take my pills three at a time JUST LIKE YOU."
Alrighty, that's all for now. I have about eight ideas for new posts so worry not--I am back in black.