Thursday, June 16, 2011

Stop Torturing Me, Google Images!

As many of you know, I am now in my sixth week of radiation.  The home stretch.  The good news is I have less than 2 weeks left.  The bad news is those cumulative side effects they mentioned are definitely rearing their ugly heads.  Not only am I exhausted, but I've got some strange burns that resemble what might happen if I went to Raging Waters (there's some kind of hole in the ozone right above Raging Waters--you all know it) for the day and put 100 spf sunblock on EVERY part of my body but one. 

So, because I seek the council of Dr. Internet from time to time--just to make sure this is all normal--I look up "radiation treatment burns" on Google images.  And then I am bombarded with scary images!  If Google images is telling the truth, I will soon look like I've been stuck at Raging Waters covered in nuclear waste for 12 DAYS IN THE SUN.  Noooooo!

Then I remember the time I looked up "red bump under arm" in Google images to see if this thing I had was normal and it came up with a barrage of images of genital and rectal warts (note to audience--if you're ever thinking of casually looking up "ass warts" on Google images to see what comes up--DON'T).  They only show the most horrific disgusting pictures.  So, if you look up "melanoma" you will NOT simply see a weird-looking mole.  You will see triple necrotising fasciitis of the face.  Looking up a slightly infected cut?  Quadruple staph-infected necrotising fasciitis.  Possibly of the groin.
If you don't believe me, read this public service announcement:
Did you know that up to 83% of people who attempted to search for a Google image of something they found on their butt will either have a massive coronary from shock or spend up to $1000 in unnecessary medical bills?  True story.
You may be home one night, in front of your laptop, glass of Pinot Grigio in one hand thinking: "I wonder who else has this funky skin discoloration?"  You might even feel curious enough to type "funky skin discoloration" into a Google images search box.  What harm could it possibly do?
Well, I'm here to tell you--there are CONSEQUENCES to your image search.  
Don't Google that thing on your butt.

The more you know (doo doo DOO DOOOOOO!)


  1. Also, "don't smother your kids."

  2. Grig?

    Also, who knew that ass warts were such a pervase pox on society?