Saturday, August 13, 2011

Donate THIS (grabs crotch region): An open letter to the ACLU

Dear ACLU,
I say this as a valued donor: LEAVE ME THE F&*%$ ALONE.  I donated money to you for many reasons.  One of the reasons was that I actually DID have a minute after wandering out of Trader Joe's one day.  The other is that I care a lot about civil liberties.  Yet another is that any organization the hard-right GOP attacks as "communist" usually has my vote.  You had all those things going for you, ACLU!  I would have gladly donated money when I had some to spare off and on forever had you NOT STARTED STALKING ME!
For the last month, one to THREE times a day I have been receiving calls from the ACLU.  They call me during work, during dinner, on weekends and when I am enjoying a good US Weekly if you know what I mean.  I told them I did not have enough to donate.  I called today and asked to be taken off the list.  You know what they did?  They CALLED 45 MINUTES LATER.  AGAIN.
So, listen up ACLU and please hear me: I AM BREAKING UP WITH YOU.  I am NEVER donating to you again.  I'm not going to even use my awesome Twinkies break-up line on you because you don't deserve it.  It's not me.  It's YOU.
You see, the correct response when someone donates money to charity is to say "thanks."  OR to say nothing; I don't care!  I don't donate money to keep your phone operators happy.  I donate money because kids in Alabama still aren't allowed to go to their prom if they're gay.  I'm not a prom person--I was never into the prom.  But kids should be allowed to go to their frikkin' prom if they want to.  If gay kids aren't allowed to go to the prom, then Charlie Sheen shouldn't be allowed to exist.  Put that specious reasoning in your pipe and smoke it, ACLU because I totally agreed with you!  I want to change the world in any little way I can.  
But I am a recently credentialed educator who is afraid to take a teaching job because the stress might bring her cancer back.  That's right.  This is who you are harassing.  An underemployed teacher with cancer.  STILL WANT TO TAKE MY MONEY?!  WELL, I DON'T HAVE IT BECAUSE I'M SPENDING IT ON NETFLIX AND STAYING ALIVE...AND TRUST ME NETFLIX IS A BIG PART OF THAT!
So, to reiterate: never call me again as you have lost your donor.  I am officially with the HRC, as they gave me a sticker, said thank you and only sent me a letter once a year asking for more money like a frikkin' NORMAL charity.
Peace OUT.

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