Saturday, August 27, 2011

You've Just Made the LIST


Alright--seeing as how I've got an unusual amount of rage roiling inside of me, and I'm supposed to be all "at peace" to keep the cancer away, I need to let off some steam.  So until the world changes, OR until I care less that the world will never change, I am temporarily dedicating my blog to this--my shit list.
The first violators, while not technically human, are just as maddening.  I guess I should clarify, too, that my beef is with ROGUE ants.  I mean, I saw A Bug's Life and Pixar can sure make any creature seem adorable, but those ants were marching in their little ant trail trying to bring back crumbs for their families.  I GET that.  These ants (the ones in my apartment) are just assholes.  
I open up a box of cereal and pour it into the bowl?  ANTS.  In the frikkin' box.  NOT bringing food back to any colony but just crawling around enjoying their destruction of my food.  Maybe they are in a hedonistic ant colony!  Maybe they praise some Ant Bacchus or Hedonism Bot--anything is possible!
Okay I'm going to tell you something now.  It's a horrible story but, like many trauma victims, I am hoping talking about it helps.  Alright.  So I go into the kitchen to get some of my (ex) favorite snack, Trader Joe's dark chocolate mints.  The bag is open but folded shut.  I reach in and grab a handful, putting them in my mouth.  Now, you would think that the movement would be the first thing I noticed but it wasn't.  It was the taste.  Instead of mints, it tasted like I was sucking on graveyard dirt.  Then I looked down.  Writhing in my bag of mints were DOZENS of ants.  Without missing a beat, I spit out all the mints....but there were STILL SOME ANTS IN MY MOUTH.
Long story short, after gargling for nearly an hour with scalding hot water and screaming at the ants that I would kill them and their families, the ants were gone.  The memory, however, is destined to remain forever.  
So, ants, you are now on my shit list.

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